cindycullen.com

I’ve been thinking about what I wrote yesterday every since I wrote it. And I got to thinking that even though I know what I meant, others may not. I didn’t want to mislead anyone into thinking that my beliefs have radically changed. They haven’t. I just feel that more and more truth is being revealed to me and in the process, it’s making me question some things that I’ve just always taken for granted.

I think that’s a good thing. That doesn’t always mean that what I believed was wrong. It just means I’ve got to question it and find out why I believe what I believe. By re-thinking things through it can only make my beliefs stronger, or help me refine those beliefs to be more in line with the truth that God has shown me.

As for my comment about quitting teaching; anyone that knows me, knows that it would be impossible for me to quit teaching. It’s a part of me. I think if I didn’t teach I would explode. And since I KNOW that God has called me to teach, then I also know that He will always provide an avenue for me to teach the message that He gives.

What I meant by that comment was that sometimes I am embarrassed when I think back to the things that I’ve taught that I don’t fully agree with anymore. Not any big things, but the little refining issues that I’m sure showed a lack of maturity on my part. I realize how foolish I must have looked to more mature Christians that happened to be sitting under my teaching.

But, yesterday, as I thought about what I had written, I realized that I probably didn’t appear foolish at all because as I grow and fellowship with other less mature Christians, I never see them as foolish when they say things that I know God will refine later. As a matter of fact, I rejoice in the fact that they will be so excited when God reveals this new truth to them just as I was excited when He revealed it to me. I see them with eyes of a teacher that only wants their growth and success as a Christian, not as foolish for not knowing it already.

Why are we always harder on ourselves than we are on other folks? Or are we? Do we judge others for what they don’t know? Yes, I must admit that there have been times when I HAVE judged others because they hadn’t grown to where I thought they should have grown. And for that I was wrong.

So, it all boils down to this. The only one I should worry about pleasing is God. I should not be embarrassed for my imperfect teaching. God wants my growth. And if I am too ashamed or afraid to try anything - to get up and teach - to strive to do more and do it better - then I will never grow. I will make mistakes, just as I’ve made mistakes in the past. But, if ONE thing I say helps someone else to grow, then maybe the 99 other things I say wrong, God will erase from their memory. It’s all about my heart and my motives for my teachings. And God knows my heart better than I do.

I can’t give up. It’s not in my nature. Because I am a new creature - with a new nature - and that new nature doesn’t know how to be a quitter.

Unfortunately, my old nature still wants to cling to me and as I grow, I slowly peel those ugly layers away revealing the beautiful Spirit underneath - the perfect Spirit of God that lives within me. The Spirit that whispers in my ear, “Never give up! Never give up!” The perfect Spirit that now leads me in everything I do (or don’t do). The power of God living within me. Wow! It just doesn’t get any better than this!!

cindy

In my prayer time yesterday, I felt God impress upon me to start journaling about my quest to find more of Him.

I feel that I’m at a pivotal point in my relationship with Him. I would imagine that everyone, in any relationship has felt this at one time or another. It’s that feeling that things are going to get closer, or deeper, or more mature, or something.

Things are changing. I understand more about Him and it feels that He’s drawing me closer to Him. It’s almost as if He’s teasing me with little bits and pieces of a revelation - one that I feel will be really big -but He’s only giving me enough to keep me wanting more.

The more I learn about Him, and the more I feel He reveals to me about Himself as I study His Word - my Holy love letter from Him - the more I realize that He wants me well. He wants me to prosper. He wants me to succeed at life. He wants only good things for me. Which really blows a lot of the theology that I’ve believed and taught for quite a while.

It’s almost enough to make me want to quit teaching. The more truth I see, the more I realize that I’ve been wrong in some of my teachings. Not way off, but just enough to really confuse myself -not to mention my students.

But, then I realize that that’s what growth is all about. Refining the beliefs until we get a true glimpse of Him. Until we really get to touch the hem of His garment and realize that it’s been right here all along. It’s not Him that’s been mysterious and far-off. It’s me that’s been blind and ignorant to the glory and beauty that’s been right here with me all along.

I remember one of my first trips to the Smokey Mountains. It was very foggy that night and it seemed that we’d driven all day. We pulled into Gatlinburg, tired and worn out, in the dark, foggy night. The next morning when I woke up, I was in total awe at the glorious, awesome, powerful, towering, beautiful mountains that surrounded us! And then I realized that they were really there all along. I just couldn’t see them in the dark and the fog. That doesn’t mean they weren’t reality. It just means that I was blind and ignorant to the beauty and glory around me.

I feel the same way with Jesus now. I realize that He and His awesomeness have been right here inviting me to see Him all along. I’ve just been blind and ignorant. And as the fog lifts and I begin to see a little more of Him, I realize that there’s still MORE to come! The BEST is yet to come! There is SO much MORE of Him that I’m not realizing in my life! And I am just touching the hem of His garment. I want MORE. I’m not satisfied with just the hem. I want HIM.

Join me in my quest.

cindy